How to Silence Your Inner Critic and Build Unshakable Confidence
You want to do something great, something exciting. Yet the moment you get to the edge, about to leap into that joy, a voice in your mind spills doubts and fear into your path. You hesitate. You might even step back from the edge and in my case, move towards a corner to cry.
I had these burning questions:
What is it that holds me back?
Whose voice is this? Where did it even come from?
What can I do about it?
I always have this visual of chains coming out of a wall, shackles the wrap around my wrists and ankles, holding me back. Whenever I build up the courage to try something, I get a tug back. Sometimes its gentle, a little reminder. But there are times when its ruthless, I am slammed back into a reality that I don’t want to live in. How dare you try and leave? the voice seethes. Its restrictive, compressing, aching to keep me close. It smothers me.
Does your voice feel like that too?
Where does this voice come from?
Experts have different ways of interpreting and working with these inner voices:
- Internal family systems (IFS) suggest different parts of you are holding beliefs that undermine your self worth. These parts are trying to protect you and don’t realize that we are no longer the child that’s in need of that protection.
- Shadow work sees the voices as suppressed or unacknowledged aspects of the self. Unhealed wounds from the past linger. They encourage you to find out whose voice it is you are hearing, this often echos criticism that was internalized long ago.
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) encourages identifying, reframing and challenging these thoughts. Its an incredible skill to adjust our thinking patterns. See brain, I might not be perfect, but I am able to grow and learn.
I believe someone in the past said something that stuck with you. Maybe out of love, anger, frustration… but it took root and became something you filtered your thoughts and actions through. And the reason that voice is still there, is because we came to value or hold that thought as a truth to our existence. You are __________.
But… are you?
Are you sure?
What if that’s not true?
Healing requires working with both the conscious and the unconscious mind. We cant think ourselves out of feelings, and our thoughts need to be challenged. Both are necessary for healing. Both are uncomfortable. Hello discomfort!
Find what helps you and let go of what doesn’t. And if an idea keeps coming back, there is usually a reason.
What can we do about it?
Its time. We have taken time to plan out the steps needed to move foreword, we have looked at all the ways it could fail, we could get hurt. Or maybe there is no plan, but we need change now. What we know for sure is that not doing this thing will cause more pain than just doing it.
Lets look at your self esteem and self confidence. If your first thought was what self-esteem, come on now, that’s self deprecating! None of that!
What is self-esteem?
Defined as “belief and confidence in your own ability and value” (Cambridge Dictionary). Self esteem is that beautiful knowing that you can learn, grow and adapt. Its accepting yourself as you are, flaws and all. Treating others and yourself with respect. Moving with respect and compassion to all parts of yourself.
What does that look like? Can you picture a version of yourself who moves through the world with high self-esteem?
What is self-confidence?
Defined as “the belief that you can do things well and that other people respect you” (Cambridge Dictionary).
Similar to self-esteem but slightly different. Self esteem is about who you are, self-confidence is about what you can do. Together its about trusting your ability to handle challenges, solve problems, and succeed.
Can you think of a time when you walked into a room, confident in your knowing that you were going to achieve what you set out to do? That feeling, is self-confidence in action.
These two concepts are tied together. When you believe in your worth, you’re more likely to trust yourself to succeed. And when you prove to yourself that you can do something, it strengthens your self-esteem.
Unfortunately, it also works the other way. A lack of belief in yourself leads to avoidance, which reinforces self-doubt. Which is usually what gets us to exactly where we are today. Wondering what happened?
When did you lose our confidence?
As kids, we were fearless - hands in the dirt, climbing trees, riding bikes, swimming in lakes to deep to touch the bottom, imagination and feet running wild. Having sword fights with pirates and swimming with mermaids, or if you are like me, pretending to be Pokémon with fans and squirt bottles!
But at some point, something happened and our confidence is shaken. An accident, a loss, a trauma, something that has us leaning on other people. Normal things. We can not live life without some form of trauma.
In a perfect world, we were supported by those around us and they helped us to rebuild our confidence.
We don’t live in a perfect world though. Those people around us – family, friends, teachers, society in general – might not have been able to provide the support needed and it started doubt. Doubt in our abilities. Doubt in our worth.
Its not always instant, usually it takes years and many experiences to really give these beliefs a strong hold in your mind.
And now, here we are.
Its okay to grieve for that child. They did nothing wrong. Its not their fault that those around didn’t have the space or ability to give them the support they needed.
If this resonates, check out the self-care section on the bottom where I guide you through a little IFS themed meditation.
Creating new patterns
Maybe you can’t remember where that voice comes from, that’s okay. You actually don’t need to remember in order to create change. That’s the incredible thing about the brain: any pattern, belief, thought that we have created can be changed.
Creating new patterns – neural pathways - happens the same way as the previous pattern; a challenge to a previously held belief, then repeated hellos to the new path.
Its like an over grown garden, it doesn’t just magically change in one day. First we have to pull up the weeds to see if there are any plants worth saving. We might move various flowers around, add in new plants, maybe even plant seeds. Then we water, day after day, making sure there is proper drainage and nutrients to each plant. Pulling weeds that pop up over time.
Your mind is your garden.
I love Glennon Doyle’s words in Untamed: “We can do hard things.” In my darkest moments, I would repeat this over and over. There was even a sticky note on my bathroom mirror so I could remind myself of this when I brushed my teeth.
We can do hard things – Glennon Doyle
How Do You Talk to Yourself?
When that critical voice speaks up, what kinds of things do you say to it?
Are you kind? Are you gentle? Maybe abrasive and insulting? Or do you say nothing and let it have the full auditorium of your mind.
On hard days, I can admit being less supportive to that voice in my head.
“Alright you pain in my ass, we can do this. Stop it. You’re not being helpful.” – I can feel the voice digging its heels in, like a bull getting ready to charge.
Take a couple breaths and lets try that again.
“Hello Voice, I hear you. You want to protect me. You love me a lot and want me to be safe. Thank you. I want to show you something. Look. Do you see? I think we can do this, shall we try and see what happens? I might need to tweak a few things, and I think you can help with that.”
What do you notice? How did the second statement feel in comparison?
How would your life be different if you approached that voice with compassion and affection all the time?
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonated with you, let’s keep this conversation going. I share insights, tools, and support for healing and growth—because you don’t have to do this alone.
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Self care
Supporting a Part with Low Self-Confidence
This short meditation will take you through a basic Internal Family Systems therapy structure to work with a part of you. Be gentle with yourself, and always find a therapist in your area if you want more support!
Step 1: Find a Quiet Space
Settle into a comfortable position. Take a few deep breaths, feeling your body relax with each exhale. Notice your seat, the air around you, how the breath feels in your lungs.
Step 2: Notice the Part
Gently turn your attention inward and notice the part of you that feels insecure or unworthy. You don’t have to fix it—just acknowledge it’s there. Does it have a name?
Step 3: Get Curious
Imagine sitting beside this part. If it had a shape, color, or posture, what would it look like? How does it feel? If you sense resistance, that’s okay—just let it know you’re here to listen.
Step 4: Offer Compassion
Silently or aloud, say to this part:
"I see you. I know you’ve been carrying these feelings for a long time. You are not alone. You don’t have to prove yourself to be worthy—you already are."
Step 5: Ask What It Needs
Gently ask, "What do you need right now?" The answer might come as a word, an image, or just a feeling. Trust whatever comes up.
Step 6: Provide Support
If this part needs reassurance, offer kind words. If it needs protection, imagine wrapping it in warmth. If it needs time, let it know you’ll check in again soon.
Step 7: Return to the Present
Thank this part for sharing with you. Take a few deep breaths, feeling the ground beneath you. When you’re ready, gently open your eyes.
Step 8: Bonus
Continue integrating the changes by journaling, chatting with a friend, or sitting down with a therapist.
🌿 You are worthy. You are enough. You are not alone. 🌿
tldr
Don’t have the energy to read the whole thing right now? No worries, I got you.
We often hesitate to act on our ideas due to an inner voice of doubt.
This voice can feel overpowering and paralyzing, rooted in past experiences or internalized criticism.
Reflective questions to explore self-doubt:
What is holding me back?
Whose voice is this?
What can I do about it?
Psychological perspectives on the inner critic:
IFS (Internal Family Systems): Protective parts acting out of outdated roles.
Shadow Work: Rejected or unacknowledged parts seeking attention.
CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy): Identifying, challenging, and reframing unhelpful thoughts.
Self-esteem vs. self-confidence:
Self-esteem = Belief in your worth and value.
Self-confidence = Belief in your abilities and performance.
These two are interconnected and influence each other.
Loss of confidence often stems from childhood experiences.
Many of us lacked the support needed to rebuild confidence after setbacks or trauma.
These doubts become ingrained but can be changed.
Healing and growth are possible:
You don't need to know where your doubts started to begin changing them.
The brain is capable of forming new beliefs with repetition and evidence.
Changing self-talk is key:
Harsh self-talk reinforces the inner critic.
Gentle, compassionate self-talk can help calm it and shift internal narratives.
We can do hard things.
Even small shifts in thinking and behavior create new patterns over time.
Encouragement to take action:
It’s time to stop overthinking and start taking small, brave steps.
Speak to your inner critic with curiosity, compassion, and leadership.